Just Try...

To live your life with honour and courage, to never give up, to be proud of whom you are and what you’ve accomplished. Take pride in yourself and in those that are important to you, and never stop showing the people who matter just how important they are to you. Always try new things, and never be caught up in monotony. Constantly change your life and reinvent yourself. Join clubs, try new things, and let yourself go every once in a while. Laugh every single day of your life, no matter how hard things are, and never forget the important things are the little ones. The moments in time that are fleeting and constant and eternal: the things that make you smile every day are the ones that you hold on too.

Always work hard, and when you can’t give off your best, give of as close to as you can. You can’t be the best at everything all the time, and you will mess up sometimes. It’s okay to fail, so long as when you do, you don’t get suicidal. Just try again and come up with a better plan. For you more than anyone, achievement will always be important, and so will money. You don’t need to own the whole world, just a small piece of it. Doesn’t matter where it is, just make it worth every tear, every pain, every smile, every late night. Never settle on what you want and never compromise on who you are. Always be real.

Learn to stop holding grudges, forgive and start thinking before you open your mouth. In the world we live in, bending is better than breaking and you’ve broken before. Build something worth remembering and change as many lives as you can before you die. Never stop believing in the power of words and never stop writing. It’s your greatest talent.

Always look at life as a journey, and never stop moving forward. Never stop learning and never be satisfied with what you have. Be happy with it, and always work to keep it, to improve it. You are not mediocre. You are not average. You’ve got a brain. Always use it. Never believe a fact unless you’ve checked it and never let another influence your opinion or own you. Keep your own counsel and speak your mind only when it is necessary. Observe. Learn. And keep your mind sound. Always rely on yourself first but never forget the power of unity.

Always try. Be it another way, a different idea, another tactic. Have courage. Believe in yourself, your judgement, your dreams and your ideals. Never forget, no matter how hard it is, just:

Try 

Have You Ever...

Have you ever…

Have you ever been what I’ve been?

Seen what I’ve seen?

You may pretend to understand what I am,

Yet you have no idea.

You judge me,

Though you do not know me,

You have no idea what I’m about.

Have you ever had spiders put in your bed, knowing it will happen again and again?

Have you ever had a gun held to your head, a single bullet made of lead,

The trigger pulled over again? Never knowing if you’ll be dead?

A sick game played again and again?

Have you ever been beaten so bloody and bad you don’t even know your very own name?

You’ll do anything to stop the pain?

Been locked in a tiny cupboard for days on end,

Living in total darkness, hunger and dread?

Where you long for the days he’d get drunk and sleep,

Knowing when he wakes up its back to work.

Ever been sold in the street to pay for his fix?

Ever made time in a hospital choking on your own blood?

Had him set his rabid dogs on you?

Had him let his friends have you?

Ever been violated in every way known to man?                                           

Your spirit only broken a few thousand times...

Suffered every degradation and humiliation,

From a sadistic bastard with a sick imagination?

Have you ever spent your nights on the street,

Working the corners or you’ll get beat?

You know the man – he’s my dad

The one who does all these things to me.

The man who raised me to be me

The sick bastard who treated me so

So what if I killed him?

He deserved to go.

So don’t try to understand me,

Make me see the error of my ways.

Don’t judge me – you don’t have that right.

You’ve never been what I’ve been, seen what I’ve seen.

So put me in jail and throw away the key

Take away my right to be free

Call me insane, maybe it’s true

But I fought back see, I killed them all too.

I got my revenge, put my life right

I’ve lived such a life… fear and dread

Pain and rage and helpless humiliation

Every kind of torture you could put a girl through.

Believe me, I’ve lived it, day in…day out

So I broke the cycle. I got out.

I’ve lived such a life for my young age…

You can’t begin to understand so just put me in a cage

So throw me in jail, punish me.

I killed the people who tried to kill me.

Arrival from Death

I killed, I hated I raped, I kidnapped.

I’ve done things to haunt death’s nightmares

I am the Master of Death, all bow before me

I’ve died and slayed with my sword do slaughter all

Mindlessly like cattle at an abattoir

I fight battles internal and out

I am a mercenary of Death, I come on his wings

Bearing his weapons

The weapons that fear and are feared by all

Death, my weapon, blood my wine, virgins my feast

And misery my music

Creature of the night I am

Denizens of the deep I call

Creature of the light I was

Until I took my fall

No chance to save me, all do hate me

I cannot love, am empty inside

Full only of rage at those who created me

You. The reason I am, the reason I be, the reason I do

I wreak my vengeance on all of you

One day you’ll see

You’ll see the sick side of society

I am the first, wont be the last, my parting gift to you

You know me yet you don’t

You wont catch me, you’ve already killed me

So my revenge. My will to which you will bow

You. The benefactors of my will. I would enjoy killing you

But for now I will wait. For now

You are safe

For now…  

This is a poem I wrote when I was very young. It amuses me to show it to people now...

Angel of Death

I see them the faces, the places, the unending places, the terror and murder and the blood, all the blood.

There’s blood on my hands, blood everywhere, blue, green, red blood, always death and destruction, misery and torment.

The seduction of the blood, of the power of the glove.

The hand of evil, the hand of death, shall I cast in my fate with the rest?

I am a murderer most foul; I wear a robe, a sword, a cowl.

I am the angel of death, the most powerful of all, could I even begin to fight it at all?

Oh, the faces the places the unending traces; the traces of good and evil, their faces I see in the night, the unending night.

Should I cast in my lot with evil or good, the mark of the beast or the dove bearing peace?

Should I, would I, can I do so?

Do I have the courage to do so?

To love and lose, to loose a love, can the truth be so?

What to do, suffocatingly true.

Death is the only escape. Suicidal thoughts fill me, consume me, kill me slowly.

No hope, none, but for one.

Do I dare?

Show me the way; give me a chance, a hope, a thought.

To save me, keep me: but no, no chance, no hope.

For the faces, the places and blood on my hands kill me unendingly, letting it end.

I cry out with my final breath, no chance to fight back,

No chance against death.

A Woman

Let me tell you of a woman                                                      

Come, sit my children and hark to the tale

A strength and majesty that never will fail.

Let me tell you of the strength of a woman

Of her courage and her fears

Infinite wisdom and the beauty of her tears

My children sit and hear

The story of the one who holds you most dear

She carried you beneath her heart

For nine moons then gave birth to a work of pure art

To her my children you can do no wrong

She will give you the world for joy everlong

You are her stars and her suns

Her moon and her heart

My dear children from you she will never depart

A woman is strength and beauty and grace

Each wrinkled line a story on her face

She will carry the world on her back

Ne’er be broken or beaten back

Such is the strength of beauty and peace

For her trials and her pain ne’er do cease

Careworn old ones, vibrant and new

A woman is a precious gem, common but few.

She will shoulder your cares

Take away your fears        

No matter the price

Only love on her face

A woman is soul and love and care

True beauty from within, this creature so fair.

She will cherish and love

Care from above.

No matter what the world will do

She will cry each tear to shed

A single story of pain and dread.

But through it all, my children dear,

A woman is beauty and love and care.

A wife or mother

A sister or daughter

She has many roles to play my dears

And each she plays with a masterful grace

The strength and beauty shone through her face.

Closer my children, come closer still

Hark to a tale of magical will

A woman is sex and seduction and sin

An indomitable spirit and unbreaking will.

Punished through history by unforgiving men

And yet through it all

Her steps never fall

This beautiful fey creature

Children come closer, hark well and find

A woman is God’s gift to all of mankind.

Can someone please tell me the point?

I'm sitting here avoiding my homework like the plague, because for some reason I just really can't focus on it right now, but then that's nothing new. Haven't been able to focus on work for a while. Don't know what's wrong with me anymore. I feel like I'm drifting. I can't focus on anything for very long... as is evident by the fact that this post had a point and now I've gone completely off topic.

It's just so hot now. Summer hasn't left yet. Global Warming to blame again I suppose. Perhaps Futurama has a point - humanity is really fucked. But try explaining that to them. Go on. I dare you. And don't get me started on the insect infestation that this summer has brought me. Usually it's just Easels and the like. but now it's ants, and beetles and all manner of creepy-crawlies, all of whom give me the heebie-jeebies. I'm very much a girl in that aspect of my life. In any case this heat is almost claustrophobic - it kind of reaches in around you and smothers you in humidity and an all-pervasive sense of lethargy, which is doing a real number on my work ethic. I'd rather sit on DamnLOL, Memebase and Facebook than do work (this isn't a new development by any means, but usually I have more self-control than this.

Anyway, back to my original thought train - or as close to as I'm going to get in the next couple of days :).

By now I've completely forgotten my original point in this, but I think it may have been something about the total futility of absolutely everything. There is no point that I have been able to come up with for the existence of anything. That is not to say that there isn't one, I just haven't figured it out. But honestly? I'm sort of leaning towards there isn't one. This is all just random causality and bad luck. Now don't get me wrong, this isn't one of those doom and gloom emo fests that me and millions of teenagers all over the world are so very fond off, this is an actual, genuine question, and if any one of the millions of people who  I'm absolutely positive sit riveted by my wisdom, glued to my frequent blog posts, full as they are of wit and poise and genius, have an answer, I'd be delighted to argue with you over it.

What is the point of humanity in your opinion? Coz I'm drawing a blank on it. And I'd really like to know, coz I'm not allowed to kill myself until I do, and if you can tell me, you'd be doing all of humanity a huge favor by culling one more motherfucking idiot before the zombie apocalypse and the end of the world and all that jazz. And you'd be doing me a favor, coz I don't run very fast, and the idea of being eaten sort of really REALLY creeps me out. But hey, that's just me.

Anyway, this is kind pf becoming pointless now, and I have far too much work to do before the mid-semester break is over, in oh, two days. So bye bye if you care, fuck you and goodnight if you don't;P.

I have to go hunt down and incinerate an annoying mosquito now.